Uncertain

by: Joseph Peter Capaque

Last month, I made a very important decision to quit my prestigious, high-paying, good-sounding job. At long last, after 3 years of deep deliberation, I decided to pull the plug and free myself from further career stagnation.

I have to admit. I subconsciously wanted the company to stop me from resigning. I needed them to make me feel that I am a valuable gem in the company. I needed them to say that without me, the company's processes will not run smoothly. That did that happen. I have a suspicion that they really want to get rid of me way way back but cannot because they can't find a fault (This is just my opinion). I attribute this feeling of anxiety to my weak heart. Saying goodbyes have never been easy to me I sometimes even leave suddenly without a trace.

The position is my very first job since I graduated. I have experienced the thrill of my first job application uncertainty here. I never really thought I'd qualify but ironically, I made it through the chopping block after competing with 9 other applicants. If it is because I was the best or they had no other choice, I do not know. It was a pretty smooth ride having gained the job in less than a week. Luck must have been smiling at me during those times.

The job gave me the first adrenaline rush. In all fairness, the company cared for me greatly. It gave me competent salary for a single person. It opened my eyes on a booming business people have neglected in the past. It gave me a lavish comfort zone.

Sadly, it did not stop there. As months go by, frustration grew from a tiny seedling. I discover that I no longer feel the buzz I had felt the first few months. I decided I must take a step - an uncertain step.

Every month, questions after questions pile up on my mind. Do I really belong here? Why am I not happy in this place? Why can't I get along with these people? Why do I still suffer from malignant nosebleed every time I don't understand a given task even if I've been doing it for several times? Would I grow if I stay here?

I've waited for growth to happen but to no avail. The trainings that were stipulated on the contract intended to upgrade my rusty skill did not materialize. I've heard persistent rumors that I would be up for promotion but it seems to be elusive besides I think I would decline it if ever it really did happen. I think I can't prove anything now. My time is up.

I now say goodbye to constant verbal and physical teenie-weenie winkie-leanie "harassment's" I receive from my colleagues every single work day. Whether I deserve those daily "punishments", I do not know. Maybe, it was my office mates' way of telling me that they do care. I should just thank them because with the daily bombardment of street-style teases and istambay vocabulary, I learned a new lifestyle flavor. I learned that sometimes, I have to blend in with the group and swallow my pride just to maintain the office harmony. I hope that one day I can clear in their minds though that despite my mannerisms and some "evidences" (of which I do not have any idea), I never had the desire to fondle their male anatomy nor will I ever be interested in the future. I have waited for this day and now I can say I can have my self respect back (Not that they taken it away from me. I just hid it in a jar to prevent myself from suffering insanity).

I now say goodbye to my inspiration. The days were interesting every time I saw your face. Indeed, our offices are neighbors. You were one consolation I had. I can't express my feelings now that you have already left your office ahead of me. The memories of your face and your office will always have a very special meaning on me. I remember the last time I saw your face. I guess it was your last day at work. For the first time, you looked at me back straight back. DAMN DAMN DAMN. Instead of me, repaying that glare, I shifted my eyes. If I only knew it was your last day, I would have done my first ever flirting. *teehee* I wish we'd see each other again and show you my cheesiness.

I now say goodbye to my idle moments. Some employees would love to receive their salary without doing anything. Rest is good but I think 10 days of doing nothing is not fair for the company. I understand that work comes to me on a per-project basis. What I need however is a company that fully utilizes and appreciates my potential as a skilled employee.

I now say goodbye to my comfort zone. As folks would point out, I should be contented with the company as millions of Filipinos do not have jobs now. It is not about money now but with career growth and satisfaction.

As I leave the portals of my comfort zone, I admit that I still do not know where to go. I must say this to myself a hundred times: "I have to this. This is for my own good. I must find the place where I really belong."

I have nothing against the company and or my colleagues. I think this step is now a decision for my self and for the betterment of everybody.

Nothing can stop me now. This will be a step to uncertainty.

Seph Capaque
Joseph Capaque