I said goodbye

Last Thursday, I said my goodbye. Nah! Not the tear jerking goodbye you see on television. I bid adios to my fellow colleagues at the office. Yes, I am currently jobless.

How does it feel? Not surprisingly, it felt good. I was freed from chains of confinement and set free to flap and follow my dreams.

I know I said goodbye to a comfortable life. I mean, who wouldn't want to have their own income? I do. This is a decision that I have to make though. I take no regrets entering the bum's life (but not for too long). :)

This also means that this blog is alive again.

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11th Commandment:
Thou shalt not eat salt because it is asin.

Uncertain

by: Joseph Peter Capaque

Last month, I made a very important decision to quit my prestigious, high-paying, good-sounding job. At long last, after 3 years of deep deliberation, I decided to pull the plug and free myself from further career stagnation.

I have to admit. I subconsciously wanted the company to stop me from resigning. I needed them to make me feel that I am a valuable gem in the company. I needed them to say that without me, the company's processes will not run smoothly. That did that happen. I have a suspicion that they really want to get rid of me way way back but cannot because they can't find a fault (This is just my opinion). I attribute this feeling of anxiety to my weak heart. Saying goodbyes have never been easy to me I sometimes even leave suddenly without a trace.

The position is my very first job since I graduated. I have experienced the thrill of my first job application uncertainty here. I never really thought I'd qualify but ironically, I made it through the chopping block after competing with 9 other applicants. If it is because I was the best or they had no other choice, I do not know. It was a pretty smooth ride having gained the job in less than a week. Luck must have been smiling at me during those times.

The job gave me the first adrenaline rush. In all fairness, the company cared for me greatly. It gave me competent salary for a single person. It opened my eyes on a booming business people have neglected in the past. It gave me a lavish comfort zone.

Sadly, it did not stop there. As months go by, frustration grew from a tiny seedling. I discover that I no longer feel the buzz I had felt the first few months. I decided I must take a step - an uncertain step.

Every month, questions after questions pile up on my mind. Do I really belong here? Why am I not happy in this place? Why can't I get along with these people? Why do I still suffer from malignant nosebleed every time I don't understand a given task even if I've been doing it for several times? Would I grow if I stay here?

I've waited for growth to happen but to no avail. The trainings that were stipulated on the contract intended to upgrade my rusty skill did not materialize. I've heard persistent rumors that I would be up for promotion but it seems to be elusive besides I think I would decline it if ever it really did happen. I think I can't prove anything now. My time is up.

I now say goodbye to constant verbal and physical teenie-weenie winkie-leanie "harassment's" I receive from my colleagues every single work day. Whether I deserve those daily "punishments", I do not know. Maybe, it was my office mates' way of telling me that they do care. I should just thank them because with the daily bombardment of street-style teases and istambay vocabulary, I learned a new lifestyle flavor. I learned that sometimes, I have to blend in with the group and swallow my pride just to maintain the office harmony. I hope that one day I can clear in their minds though that despite my mannerisms and some "evidences" (of which I do not have any idea), I never had the desire to fondle their male anatomy nor will I ever be interested in the future. I have waited for this day and now I can say I can have my self respect back (Not that they taken it away from me. I just hid it in a jar to prevent myself from suffering insanity).

I now say goodbye to my inspiration. The days were interesting every time I saw your face. Indeed, our offices are neighbors. You were one consolation I had. I can't express my feelings now that you have already left your office ahead of me. The memories of your face and your office will always have a very special meaning on me. I remember the last time I saw your face. I guess it was your last day at work. For the first time, you looked at me back straight back. DAMN DAMN DAMN. Instead of me, repaying that glare, I shifted my eyes. If I only knew it was your last day, I would have done my first ever flirting. *teehee* I wish we'd see each other again and show you my cheesiness.

I now say goodbye to my idle moments. Some employees would love to receive their salary without doing anything. Rest is good but I think 10 days of doing nothing is not fair for the company. I understand that work comes to me on a per-project basis. What I need however is a company that fully utilizes and appreciates my potential as a skilled employee.

I now say goodbye to my comfort zone. As folks would point out, I should be contented with the company as millions of Filipinos do not have jobs now. It is not about money now but with career growth and satisfaction.

As I leave the portals of my comfort zone, I admit that I still do not know where to go. I must say this to myself a hundred times: "I have to this. This is for my own good. I must find the place where I really belong."

I have nothing against the company and or my colleagues. I think this step is now a decision for my self and for the betterment of everybody.

Nothing can stop me now. This will be a step to uncertainty.

Seph Capaque
Joseph Capaque

Sideview

Because of you, my travel to and from my workplace became more interesting. I found myself putting more effort in making myself presentable every time I leave the house. My sight was always searching for your figure hoping that you'll climb down the jeepney to join me in my second trip.

The two of us always require two rides to reach our workplace (which happen to be neighbors). You have no idea how my heart thumps each time I see you join me in my second ride. I try not to look at you but like a magnet, you attract me. I glance at you when you sit. You are the perfect specimen of life therein.

Please forgive me if I steal glances from you.

I wish I can court you. I guess I cannot. It is impossible.

The Need To Be Confused

by Joseph Peter Capaque

When confusion knocks at your door, you hallucinate with worry. You don't know this and you don't know that. If you don't know this, how can you proceed to the next step in life. You thought you would be doing this but when you are nearing the finish line, you realize that the path you are taking right now isn't your cup of tea.

Or you thought you know everything you have possibly known in your specialty. But here comes a beginner asking you a relevant question that even an "expert" like you can answer. You too then become confused.

In this world, for example. You get confused when all spiritual leaders claim that their respective denominations possesses true religion. You get confused when you fall in love with the same sex. You get confused when you don't know what you want to accomplish before death. you get confused asking why there is a need to be born in this world just to suffer.

Confused then worried.

Worried then frustrated.

Frustrated then lost.

It is but right to feel bad when confused but let us remember that this feeling is a good indicator that we are human, that we are not perfect, that there are still lots of things that we need to know, that this life is meant to be finite. And so, not being confused means that you are already omniscient or all-knowing. We can't be possibly be like that.

We need confusion once in a while to bring us a background check on the current reality. Most of all, we need confusion to understand that there is a divine being that is omniscient who sees events in our life as part of his climactic plan. (I don't know if that comforts you though).

When confusion comes, the best thing to do is to ride with the tide. You will become insane when you trouble yourself into finding antidotes to confusion.

(PS I am also aware that you might be confused to reading this piece)

All Out Of Emotions

You can show sadness without shedding some tears.
You can show anger without shouting.
You can show happiness even without a smile.
You can show tiredness even without sweat.
You can let a person understand with even a few words.

-Seph

Endless Stream

Can somebody please stop my mind from thinking? Endless streams of thoughts are gushing out of it now that I am afraid I will be having an information overload.

I was trying to sleep but my brain won't let me. My body was dead tired but my brain was constantly sending neurological impulses. Ideas of self-improvement, theology, narcissism, love, lust, and ambitions bombarded my otherwise peaceful night.

During those reflection times, I travelled to worlds of adult fantasy. I thought I have totally lost the ability to create euphoria when I left childhood. Childhood dreams are full of pure innocence, determined, and clean. Adult fantasies are submerged in puddle of selfish bleakness, unsure, and stained. Adult fantasies are even connoted with lust!

I tried to halt this stream once. It resulted to degradation of my sanity. Forcibly stopping it will short circuit the systems all around my body that even my white blood cells can't repair.

If this endless stream will do me good, I may decide to embrace it.

Prayer For Confusion

By Joseph Peter Capaque

Lord, grant me guidance that even though I am blind to my destiny,
I have assurance that I rest in thy almighty hands.

Uncertainty is present all the time.
Your perfect timing of things always reminds me that you own the past, present, and future.

My heart is like a house to be demolitioned
I am confident however that I have served a good service during my youth.

Daily, I walk in a mist. Daily, I can't see what's ahead.
Daily, you held me hand.

Let me understand the things that I discover everyday.
I thought that I know everything with this my age.
Yet, you have used the babies to teach me that I still have many things to digest.

This is my plea and always will be.
Please make sure that my faith is safe in thee.